Goodbye My Beloved Brother

The words I so didn't want to say.

Firstly apologies for a long delay in posts but events of the last two weeks completely overtook us.

You all know from my last post that Ian went into the Hospice and on Tuesday 15th May 2012 Ian passed away. Although we knew it was coming the shock was still massive and the pain was the worst I have ever felt. As always at times of great stress and sadness the support overflows like a flood.

I received a great outpouring of love and affection and trust me when I say it helps so much. The last two weeks has been a great trial of trying to keep your head in the face of such sadness. But the love and support from friends and family has been huge. If I thanked you every day it still wouldn't be enough but know that you all mean so much to me.

So yesterday was the funeral and in the end the service was beautiful simple and uplifting, exactly as Ian would have wanted it. We were blessed by the most glorious weather and sitting in Mum's garden afterwards talking with friends and family was wonderful. It was a tough day and even a bottle of Rose Wine didn't quite numb it. But we focused on Ian and paying tribute to him and I think he would have approved.

So I leave you all with a Poem I read at Ian's Funeral. Ian could take Train Spotter Geek to a whole new level so in tribute to him.

Dilton Marsh Halt

Was it worth keeping the Halt open,
We thought as we looked at the sky
Red through the spread of the cedar-tree,
With the evening train gone by?

• 
  

Yes, we said, for in summer the anglers use it,
Two and sometimes three
Will bring their catches of rods and poles and perches
To Westbury, home to tea.

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There isn't a porter. The platform is made of sleepers.
The guard of the last up-train puts out the light
And high over lorries and cattle the Halt unwinking
Waits through the Wiltshire night.

• 
  

O housewife safe in the comprehensive churning
Of the Warminster launderette!
O husband down at the depot with car in car-park!
The Halt is waiting yet.

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And when all the horrible roads are finally done for,
And there's no more petrol left in the world to burn,
Here to the Halt from Salisbury and from Bristol
Steam trains will return.

A poem written by:

SIR JOHN BETJEMIN

If I could turn back time

If I could turn back time (turn back time)
If I could find a way (find a way)
Then baby, maybe, maybe
You'd stay




Yep I know more song lyrics but once again they fit how this last week has been. 


Ian took a hefty nosedive last week and on Thursday he was taken into St Raphael's Hospice. A day spent running round like a lunatic getting everything he needed took most of the day. We go in on the friday to see him heavily sedated and unconscious. We were then whacked with the news that he would be unlikely to survive the weekend. 


I was due to go away that day to Alton Towers and instantly I declared I wasn't going my Mum and my Brothers press ganged me into going and we went and as always the kids had a fabulous time. I spent the weekend on eggshells phone clutched in my hand waiting for an update from my brother about how things were going. By some miracle Ian stayed with us and I only really relaxed once I was sitting with him in the Hospice. 


We know it won't be long now and sitting there watching him unconscious is almost more than I can bear. But when I'm not there I get stressed and anxious waiting to go back and see him. There is so much I want to say to him so much I need to tell him but now I can't and i'd so love to turn back the clock and tell him how much i love him and what a great brother he is. 


This week is going to get very stressful very fast and this terrifies me as I'm so not ready for this it's just too soon. So if you have a family don't wait, tell them today how much you love them and how much you value them. Laters...........X X 

Lightweight Me.........

No not in weight although it is still coming off to date I have now lost 3 stone 9lbs this is on the drinking stakes.

Ok so last week my Danny hit 16 and we all went for dinner at Cosmo's in Purley. Cosmo's is an all you can eat Chinese, Indian, Italian, Seafood, English buffet. Now I know what you're thinking all you can eat buffet on a Slimming World diet but yes you can if you know what to pick. I tried to be good and went for the non deep fried options although I did cheat and have some sesame prawn toast but puddings. 2...count them 2 chocolate fountains. My will power is only so strong so this is the result



In my defence Chris and Bear slurped up some as well so not all bad.......ok yes it was bad but indulge me it's been a stressful week.

Saturday we went to a 25th Anniversary party. For ages i looked at loads of dresses and ordered 3 to try on but in the end I went for this one.



To go with it I got some 3 inch black heels which made Chris look like Bernie Eccleston. We had the most fantastic night and I was very good at the buffet which was divine. Not so good was the bit of cake I had but come on it was from Choccywoccydoodah and I just had to try some. To wash it down I also sunk 2 glasses of Champagne, a bottle of wine and 2 southern comfort's and diet lemonade. This is where the lightweight came in and boy was I feeling it. My only redeeming point that night was how much we all danced and we danced a lot.

I dont regret any of it despite the raging hangover I had all day yesterday. I hadn't been out for ages and this night was amazing and we had so much fun. So now I am absolutely petrified to put one toe on the scales to see the damage i've done. I think a couple more days of good eating and exercise I might get up the nerve.

Good job Ian's flat is on the third floor, stair climbing is meant to be good exercise. So that's it my debauched weekend but back to normal now. Ian is now completely confined to bed so the care levels have jumped up a huge way. But we carry on and take each day at a time. I received a lovely card from some church friends and in it is a line from a song " Because he lives I can face tomorrow" and I know with faith and support I can carry on and do what needs doing.

Have a great bank holiday my friends. Laters....................X X X

Song Line from Father I place into your hands the things I cannot do.

It's Only Rock & Roll

So after I reduced lots of you to tears (Sorry) after my last blog about Ian I am going to do a more upbeat one today. Ian is as always at the very forefront of my mind and going to his flat every day means he is factored into every decision I make.

But I do have more to my life than caring for Ian and watching my diet. My big love is Music I love that a song can soothe a weary soul, can fire up a complete rock diva, and can have you howling in tears. When i'm down and on my own I plug my headphones in my ears and dance round the lounge. This is an instant mood lifter, go on give it a try crank the volume and go for it. If you're not an exhibitionist pull the curtains first. 

I was never a fan of festivals just far too back to basics/nature for my taste until I went to Download in 2010. That did it I got bitten by the bug in a major way even though on the Sunday I got drowned right down to soggy knickers in the rain. It was still a great experience, seeing a show with friends who love good music and an amazing atmosphere cannot be beaten. I have many treasured memories of lovely friends who love seeing the shows along with me.

This year is a bit different though because my life is so unpredictable at the moment all concerts for me have to be held off. I booked tickets for Download and Reading for Chris and Dan and I am so happy they get to go. It will be tough not being with them but I know there is always next year.  

My great joy is that my kids love music too Dan loves classic rock as well as the more progressive rock coming out now. Bear is more Bruno Mars but hey there' a place for him too, thank heavens she is not a Justin Bieber fan.

My new love since last year is Whitesnake when they co headlined with Def leopard I gained a new appreciation for their music. Last year they toured and I saw 3 of their shows in June. Well what can I say enthusiastic attention from the lead singer is enough to send your ego skyrocketing. David Coverdale is the epitome of a lead singer, brash, confident and more than a bit leery (Don't you love it) if you want to get a smile on my face just mention Bournemouth all captured on You Tube and that does the trick.

When you have Music you have an outlet a way to lose your frustrations and be on a real high caused simply by a sense of freedom. Cannot be beaten. Have a lovely day everyone.

Laters..........X X 

Now I feel I'm growing older
And the songs that I have sung
Echo in the distance
Like the sound
Of a windmill goin' 'round
I guess I'll always be...
A soldier of fortune

Soldier of Fortune, Whitesnake

Waiting for the Axe to fall

I wanted to tell you all about Ian my eldest brother.

8 Years ago Ian broke his back falling off a ladder. He had full use of his legs and we rejoiced at his miraculous recovery. Yet it was this event that put us where we are now. Ian damaged his bowel in the fall not in a majorly serious way but enough to give him some occasional minor problems.

When he retired 2 1/2 years ago he was having some issues so he spoke to his Doctor about it who referred him for tests. On the day of his appointment I picked him up from the Hospital and it was then he told me, He had Cancer of the Bowel.I can still remember feeling the gut wrenching pain in my stomach and then my mind sprang into action, with all the well loved comforting assurances. How easily it can be treated, How very successful treatment can be I had them all in my mind. His first surgery was a month later a Colostomy which would be permanent that stay had him in Hospital for a Month. Then 6 months of Chemo which wasn't too bad.

Then the surgery to remove the Tumour in the Bowel followed by another 6 weeks in Hospital. Then many more months of Chemo before we got the news. "It's just not working anymore" followed by the now familiar gut wrenching pain. You try to find anything that will lessen the blow anything to prove the doctors wrong. But there isn't and I had to face up to the fact that I would lose my oldest brother, and that hurts so much.

I'm now the only thing that is keeping him out of Hospital and in his flat. 6 days of going over to his flat at Lunchtime to give him his lunch and to get his Tea ready for him. I wish it was enough to keep him alive for a few years at least, but it won't. If I can keep it up for at least a few weeks then he'll be with us all for a bit longer.

It's sometimes so hard he gets so frustrated and then I become the target for his frustrations. I know I can't take it personally but I do I just wish I could take his frustrations away from him, But I can't. Most days we chat and enjoy spending time together we laugh and we remember the days of when I was young. I wish I had more time to do more of this, but I don't.

Each week I see him deterioating, His breathing is worse, he's constantly cold and his pressure sore on his back isn't healing all signs of a body not able to fight back. It is like waiting for an Axe to fall, each day I call out to him as I come through the door hoping and praying he answers me, that he's with me for one more day. Each day I say goodbye to him wondering if that will be the last time I say it to him.

I hope this Blog hasn't made you cry if you are then you're doing it along with me, that's not hard I cry at nearly everything these days. But if you have family don't do what I did and leave it too late to tell them how much you love them and how much they mean to you. Because as I found out you don't know how long you'll have them for   X X X



Have I told you lately that I love you
Have I told you there's no one else above you
Fill my heart with gladness
take away all my sadness
ease my troubles that's what you do


Van Morrison

OY Easter Bunny I'm Here.............

Well here we are Easter done and for the first time in the history of the world I didn't eat any chocolate. I was expecting it to be unbearable and miserable sans chocolate but it wasn't. I guess I had built it up in my head that I couldn't eat it. So i didn't miss it at all, a friend of mine said forget the chocolate have wine. Which is a stonking idea but i can't have that either, well I can but have to count them as Syns.

BUT..........I did do a Roast Dinner for Easter Sunday the complete contradiction to healthy eating. But I did use some SW tricks to make it slightly better. Even so just to make sure we did go for a walk afterwards and I did have a quick session on the gym equipment in the park just to make sure.

So been a busy few days, we kicked off with the outstanding news that Bear's hole in the heart has closed, something we just weren't expecting. To have this good news in the midst of all the stress of Ian is just wonderful and I don't think I stopped smiling all day on Thursday.

The weekend was a great mix of Church, seeing Ian and spending time with Chris and the kids was wonderful and gave us a chance to recharge some batteries. Diet is doing good refocused on the healthy stuff and been swimming this week so hopefully it will show a good loss. I am now 4 1/2 lbs off 3 and a half stone so I am now aiming for that.

We have a party to go to next month which is going to be quite dressy and I've been searching for a dress to wear. This in itself is a miracle I really don't do dresses I am not comfortable in them and I think I look really strange in them. But to celebrate getting this far a dress it will be. I have seen a really beautiful cerise pink one........ Pink am I mad, well yes I must be. I don't generally do colour, the mantra "Black is slimming" is firmly entrenched in my head, heck i'd probably write it on my gravestone.

So Pink is dodgy i could look like i've been hosed down with Pepto Bismol and images like the one below are also bouncing in my brain.


But i'll order it and try it and see where we go from there. I have new motivation that I found some really gorgeous Cerise Shoes to match. I have absolutely nothing to go with them, so if I get the dress I get the shoes too. :-)

So I now have less than 4 weeks to go hopefully it will be long enough to make a bit more of a difference.

So my lovely friends and family hope you had a lovely weekend. More later...........X X

My Little Bear

Ok so my Bear is not so little she's nearly 12 but she is still my baby.

Having children changes your whole life. It stops the selfish tendencies dead in their tracks. Overnight you are not the most important person they are and that is how it should be.

Bear was born 5 weeks early after a horrendously complicated pregnancy, If I though giving birth to Dan was stressful it was nothing on his sister. She spent 10 days in special care and I remember that time as if it were yesterday. Even now one whiff of Milton can turn me into a blubbering wreck as that was the smell for the first few days of her life.The absolute joy of taking her home was tempered with the battle to get her to gain weight her birth weight of 4lbs 13ozs soon dropped off and when she hit 4lbs the hospital readmitted her with failure to thrive and then hit us with the news they could hear a heart murmur.

Without doubt it was the worst time of our lives, The shock was massive so much so I didn't talk for the rest of that day. Hearing your baby has a problem with their heart, even a minor one, can cause utter devastation. We were referred to the Brompton Hospital where our initial first impression was not good. Having 2 ward doctors arguing about my Baby and treatment options in the corridor directly outside the waiting room is not what you want.

Enter one post hormonal, emotional Mother telling them to take it somewhere more private at about 20 million decibels is surely the stuff of a great comedy sketch. Later on we met the lovely Piers Daubeney her Heart Consultant. The first words out of my mouth were "You're not operating on my baby"he smiled and told me no that wasn't needed yet. He told me that in these cases under a certain size they never operate, over a certain size they always operate. Size being the size of the hole in her heart. My dear Bear falls somewhere in the middle. So for the last 12 years we have worked on a wait and see, which pleases me very much. It's now been 3 years since we last saw him, a year longer than usual.

He wanted to see her have a significant growth spurt to see if that affected the hole. So we go tomorrow morning and 12 years has taught me much. Bear does have issues with her fingers and toes still getting icy cold and during the winter certainly over the last 3 years her health is not wonderful and she falls prey to almost every bug going. I spent 2 years arguing with Merton Council on this and have now got Wandsworth to deal with. This is a side effect we have had to deal with from the word go. The Flu Jab has helped somewhat but she still falls ill on a fairly regular basis during the winter.

So we are going tomorrow to see if there is any change. If no is surgery now a viable option, I will certainly listen to the advice of the consultant and as I told Wandsworth council. " I am not putting her through surgery just to appease your school attendance stats"

So please keep my Bear in your thoughts tomorrow, I will do my level best to stay calm and console myself with the fact that Dr Daubeney has the major cute factor going on  :-)

Laters.........X X